Heaven holds a sense of wonder….

{November 28, 2009}  

Not been the best at keeping up with this blog. So much happening on a day-to-day basis, trying to find the energy to write has been challenging.

Yesterday was amazing. Pickle and I have been fighting a lot lately – the stress for both of us has been ridiculous, and for her especially. I can’t really imagine how it must feel to be her, found the woman of her dreams, but in a weird place in her life and with kids already in the mix, very recently out of a long-term relationship…. it’s a messy situation. I keep thinking about the choices I’ve made and how they’ve led me to where I am right now, and I can’t look at them as mistakes or regrets, because where I am right now is the first place I’ve felt right in my adult life. And I know that I never would have ended up here without those choices. But sometimes I can’t help it, I think if I had done things differently in the beginning, it would be different now. If I had slowed us down, neither of us would feel pressured to keep the relationship going for the kids (and most of the time we don’t, but when it gets really hard, it’s thinking about the kids that makes us work through it when we can’t find any other common ground to agree on). Of course, I’m a pusher and she’s a runner, so having something to anchor us both is probably part of the Universe’s Plan.

And of course, that just reminds me even further how much of a pawn I feel. Or better, a marionette puppet. Everyone’s got their hands on a string, and everyone’s pulling to their heart’s desire, and I’m just doing a weird little dance and I don’t feel like I’m getting much done at all. The PTB’s like to remind me once in a while that I am not the one in control, and I hate this out-of-control feeling. I don’t know what to do with it. I try to let go, and the more I let go, the more crap happens and the harder it gets yet.

But yesterday was an amazing day. We had an impromptu tofurkey feast and friends came over and it was OUR Thanksgiving. Our first Thanksgiving, and we can’t wait to do it again. Only thing that was missing was a card game (poker? spades? doesn’t matter) and the kiddos. They were with their dad’s family. But it was good. We had a fire going, people in food comas in the living room, watched a terribly awesome Thanksgiving-themed B horror flick (campy as all get out) called “Thankskilling”, went out for nightcaps and came home and had amazing sex. I’m trying to hold onto that for all it’s worth, something that we can look forward to when all this other crap is done.

Pickle texted me this afternoon when I was out of the house with the kids: “Remember I love you and they (the kids) love you and we’re gonna have a great life together one (day) soon…. sooner than you think baby, i know it.” For her to be so optimistic and positive….. it’s what I need. I’m usually the optimist, and lately, I’ve just been in the dark twisty place and I’m trying so hard to keep my head in this moment and be grateful for everything I have, whether it seems at first glance I should be grateful for it or not.


et cetera